I just saw a hot homeless man
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
