it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
