First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
