i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
