I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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