just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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