I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
