I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She bit a glass in half.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
