Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
