the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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