I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have started to decorate penises.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
