I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
