dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
