She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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