i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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