Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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