I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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