I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
