never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
