My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
