just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
