listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
