There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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