I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
tell me about the fingering
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