And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
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I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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