I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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