He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
