the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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