I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Two words: blizzard sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
