There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
