wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
