Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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