Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
