She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
