Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
