you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
