what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
