the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i think i just lost a toe
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
