We need to rekindle our bromance
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
