Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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