3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
