i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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