I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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