Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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