My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
