Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
