Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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