Your dad touched me again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
