First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize