The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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