he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
