I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
