OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
