Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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